“And now to our man on the ground…”

25 May

“Nick, what’s happening there?”

“Well Gerald, not much I’m afraid. We’re here outside this Premier Inn in Cardiff city centre where it’s believed Neil Schiller, the man behind the current storm of controvesy, is staying. The reception staff won’t confirm this at the moment, but these pictures were taken earlier of the man himself entering the lifts in this very hotel. Since the story broke several hours ago we have had no real comment from the Schiller camp except a short statement which I’ll read quickly now – ‘we would like to neither confirm nor deny that Neil Schiller is the author of the story Ice Cream Man included in the Bestseller Bound anthology out today.’ So very little given away there.”

“Is a further statement expected Nick?”

“At the moment we’re just not sure. As you know, the ebook appeared today on Smashwords and is available for free and features sample work by ten different writers.”

[cue on screen footage of book cover with camera slowly zooming in on yellow flower. Voiceover continues]

“And if it turns out to be a story by Neil Schiller, Nick, what are the repercussions of that?”

“Well, they’d be insignificant. The latest estimate is that tens of people have read his collection Oblivious, and the likelihood is they’ll be absolutely apathetic about getting hold of the mythical lost story from that book.”

“And the other nine writers Nick, do we know who they are?”

“Yes, we do George. Darcia Helle, Maria Savva, several others. They are all moderately successful self-published and small press published authors. We know these people all have a fan base and are probably nonplussed that Schiller has jumped onto their bandwagon.”

“Ok Nick, well we have to leave it there -”

“Wait, just hang on a minute Graham” [touches hand to earpiece] “I’m being told by my producer… yes, we’ve just had confirmation that I hate being given this assignment so much that I can’t even be arsed to remember your name. Back to the studio.”

“Hahah, Nick Rover there in Cardiff. We’ll be going back to Nick later in the show to keep abreast of developments. Helen.”

“Thanks Gerald. Well, earlier in the show we spoke about Free Art in Liverpool and lots of you have emailed in. Steve from Somerset says ‘I think it’s a great idea, it’s like a Banksy you can take home’, while Moira from Uddingston tweets ‘What’s the world coming to? Imagine if the Mona Lisa was just left lying around to take away with you.’ Not sure what your point is Moira but thank you for contributing to probably the most inane part of the show. Coming up we have Duncan from Blue on the couch, fresh from his triumphant showing at the Eurovision where the UK came a respectable 14th – he’ll be here to talk about his new children’s book called Where’s my Sock? But first, the weather. Gloria…”

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