You know, the first time I stuck up a stupid promo on Amazon I came away feeling a bit chastened by the way it divided opinion. And I vowed not to do it again. Then, after a few months of having even my most inane and insipid comments voted down and objected to, I came to the conclusion that actually it doesn’t matter what I say, it won’t please everyone. With that in mind I re-entered the fray. I also figured, with no real upturn in sales and with no publisher to censor me, the least I should do is enjoy myself a little bit. And bizzarely, not one of the subsequent ones has generated anywhere near the amount of ire that first one did. With this in mind, I now present the official Best Of album of Schiller’s stupid promo threads.
Track 1: Woud anyone like to reed are books?
Track 2: April 30th is international ‘read a depressing short story’ in the bath or in the dark day
Track 3: Warning – ridiculous, stupid Infomercial Promo Thread
Track 4: Please Help the Writers
Track 5: The BEST three books on kindle (featuring Stavrogin on guest vocals)
BONUS TRACK 1, previously only available as a B-Side – Spam-post
“original and brand-new kindle book products for your first choose.do you want to get short stories with fast shipping?do you want to get witch novels at cheapest price?do you want to get items with best service?let’s go to click and browse–dodgybooks.com–
paypal is not acceptable!one click fine is.off me am now long time to learn english good”
BONUS TRACK 2, the as yet unreleased (but will almost certainly be the next single) – Help – looking for a book, and a Backlight, and a collection-organising monkey slave
“First of all, can anyone help me find this book? I’ve been wracking my brains for ages about it. All the info I have, which I know is not a lot to go on, is that it’s called Ljubljana Witch and was written by a bloke called Stavrogin. I read it days and days ago and I know there was a bloke in it, and a witch, and a city I couldn’t pronounce the name of. I remember reading it in the garden of this house I still live in, back when I was about a week younger. It was wonderful and has always stayed with me. Does anyone have any ideas? Does Amazon even stock this book? I know it’s a long shot but hopefully someone will recognise it from the vague memories I have…
Also, while I’m here, can anyone tell me if Kindle has a backlight? I’ve been searching for it on all the menus and have unscrewed the back cover to see if it’s stuck inside. Will this invalidate my warranty? When I screwed it back together I accidently trapped a fruit pastel in there and now all my books have a sugary red glow to them. I need the light to be able to pierce through the gloom and darkness of this book I’m reading – Oblivious by Neil Schiller. It’s really good, I’m told, and has been in the top 9,981 of the Kindle store for 6 months now. Wow, it must be good then if 9,981 people have read it. I really want to give it a go as someone said it was (almost) long listed for the Book Manner award. Or it might have been in that Punch and Judy book club thing.
I was going to ask as well if anyone knew how I can organise my books into ever changing collections that psychically predict my mood – but I’ve just found out that’s been requested for the next generation device so I’ll have to wait until then I guess. But hopefully they’ll also take those terrible screensavers of dead people off as well. Agatha who? And Steinbeck – what’s the point of having a picture of the bloke who founded a coffee shop on there? I don’t get it.”